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Can you handle the truth or do you invite them to lie to you?
Let's face it: We all lie. To a greater or lesser degree, we all tell lies in the relationships we have with our parents, friends and of course with our partner. Human relationships are complex and on many occasions when you choose to lie there are usually several possible reasons behind that decision.
Let's imagine this situation: Juan tells his wife that he was late because the police stopped him and not because he was hooked on a chapter of a series on Netflix. If later we asked him why he kept the truth from him, what do you think he would answer?
Sometimes, like Juan, we lie because we don't want to look bad and be judged; Sometimes we lie in an attempt to avoid hurting or disappointing the other, and there are times when we tell lies out of fear that the truth will unleash problems that endanger the relationship.
In general, we consider that it is the person who has lied who will have to bear the responsibility for that behavior and assume the consequences of what the lie has caused. But are there circumstances in which both members of the relationship must share responsibility for a lie?
Take for example the lady who was behind me last week at Costco and whom I heard her husband say, "If I'm not going to like what you're going to tell me then don't tell me anything." The comment immediately caught my attention and I couldn't help but begin to imagine the rest of the story of those two. I wondered what did he originally mean to her? If it had been about something big like "I don't think we should buy that because our finances are not very good and I've been feeling stressed about it lately," wouldn't that be a major omission? If this same gentleman wanted to approach in the future to talk to his wife about something that ails him, would he be inclined towards honesty?
Most of us want - and ask - to be told the truth, and it hurts when we don't get it from those we love. But what if it also takes two to lie? Can it be our own attitudes and behaviors that sometimes bring the other person closer to telling us lies? It would be very useful to make this reflection since we rarely include ourselves as part of the problem and it is very easy for us to fall into the temptation to think unilaterally and understand the lie as something that the other person does out of badness or personal defect. In reality we can all become partners in dynamics and patterns of interaction in which we would practically be invoking dishonesty and if we want to promote more honest relationships with our loved ones we can start by looking at ourselves.
Could you really handle the truth even if it was not to your liking and it awakened uncomfortable feelings and emotions in you?
The person who incites the lie usually asks to be told the truth but through their reactions ends up showing that they cannot handle it. For example, when Alejandro asks María if there were men at the party he attended and she answers yes, he shows his disapproval with excessive anger, using sarcasm and innuendo and bellowing as if he were a bull about to charge. . What he doesn't know is that he is thus inviting future lies into the relationship. It is not good for anyone to be cornered with an excessive emotional reaction or to have the law of ice applied to them. If a person anticipates that they will receive from their partner a variant of either of these two extremes, the most likely thing is that they will do everything to avoid suffering, aunque eso implique decir una mentira y correr un riesgo todavía mayor.
When we invite lies, we often do not do so verbally; a series of attitudes are those that send the message to the partner with subtitles. Some common examples:
- "Tell me what you feel" - (But pay attention to the consequences if you tell me something I don't like)
- “Dime la verdad” (Pero sabes que me vas a hacer sufrir por ello)
- “Por favor dime la verdad” (Pero tú tendrás que sufrir por ello)
- “Explícame una vez más por qué lo hiciste” (pero esta vez dime lo que yo quiero escuchar)
- "How can you be so insensitive (having an opinion that is so difficult for me to hear)?"
The person who inadvertently asks to be lied to often does so because they have difficulty managing their emotions in the face of the frustration that often comes with hearing the truth. However, at other times these attitudes have an additional utility. Victimizing and blaming the other for the situation sometimes provides a sense of "moral superiority" from which better treatment can be demanded; something like "now that you have destroyed me with your lies (and I have forgiven you) the least I expect of you is that you behave well and do everything I ask." Nothing could be further from the truth; repeating a strategy like this could bring even the most honest person to the lie.
It takes a lot of courage and humility to be in a position to hear the truth. We need to honor the truth and work diligently in managing our emotions so as not to create a crisis by hearing something that we don't like but is true.
De acuerdo a los expertos en el tema*, una regla básica es ponerse en la disposición adecuada, es decir, hay que prepararse para escuchar la verdad. Al anticipar y aceptar la inevitable incomodidad de una conversación difícil estaremos más conscientes de nuestras propias reacciones. Puede ser de ayuda:
- Imagine the worst case scenario and think of 5 ways in which you would handle the situation if it happened.
- Try to see the situation from the other's perspective and include everything you know about her or him, their context, their interests, fears and frustrations.
- Ask questions that expand and clarify. Avoid falling into generalizations and ask for more information, use curiosity instead of judgment.
Finally, recognize that you are a human being and that learning to invite honesty rather than lies is also a process; it is part of the path to our growth and that of our relationships. Give yourself credit for every step you take in this direction toward emotional resilience, and actively look for opportunities to have these uncomfortable conversations. It is never too late to start.
* Based on the work of Bader & Pearson (2000)